Writing is so cathartic.  It amazes me how if no one ever reads this blog, I still need to write.  My writing  is not really always for my friends and family.  Sometimes it is for me. Today this blog is for me.

When Kevin, my brother was getting treatment at Memorial-Sloan Kettering, we met some amazing people.  Families like ours that were in a time warp that only others in the same situation could understand.  My family dynamics was such that Kevin and I were very, very close.  We had an age gap that in other situations may not have relented to such a closeness.  But when I was eighteen and Kevin only eight, my mom got terribly ill.  She never was quite the same, so when I was home on weekends or for the summer from University then Kevin and I were together as much as possible.  It created a bond that was there until his death.

Just before Kevin got ill he stayed with us on his spring break.  He was even considering moving to Georgia to be closer to us and live somewhere different.  It was never to be.

Kevin passed on three years ago today.  As much as time goes by, this day is a reminder of a loss so great.  I am a faithful woman and very thankful for the time Kevin and I had.  I would always prefer having him for the short period of time on this earth, than not at all.  Still the tears come.  Bizarre.  Loss is bizarre.  There is such great sorrow that cannot be contained.

So I write.  I write so I can mourn for only this little bit until I have to get back to life.  I believe that it is OK to mourn for our loved ones, as long as it doesn’t come full force forever. My faith tells me that God is in control so I know that all is good. Yet, I still mourn for myself.   I mourn for the time lost, for the sharing we do not have.  I mourn for my kids, who will not see him as they age. I mourn for the hole in my family.  For the hole is so big. Today, I mourn.

He made me a better person, a better sister.  I am a better mom because of Kevin.

There is an artist.  Her name is Eleanor Adams.  She lost her son Alex to the same dreaded cancer Kevin had…Ewing’s Sarcoma, not that any cancer is not dreaded.  She has a gallery on the upper west side.  On her website is an amazing self portrait called Under Construction.  It is beautiful.  By chance on this day I found my way to that picture.  So poignant.  So perfect.

We are all under construction and the death of a loved one, or a tragedy changes us.  I pray and feel for me it is for the good.  Always for the good.

So today I think of my brother, Kevin.  A smile on my face now. Thank God for writing.  Thank God for Kevin.

XO

www.eleanoradams.com



If you look for me on Twitter then you will see that I am not only a parent that wrote a book, I am a parent that navigates the entertainment business with my two oldest children.  I tweet under thesantaclub but also as stagemomlessons.  I chose that name because I was so frustrated with having to constantly prove I was not a  crazy stagemom.  Because of this, I now teach other parents how to navigate the industry without getting caught up and becoming, “crazy”!.  Every April I speak in front of new actors and their parents who come out from Atlanta on how to find an agent the right way without getting taken or having your kid getting a terrible reputation because of the parent.

It all started four, almost five years ago. Our boys were asked to work in Los Angeles as actors.  Knowing the business was not an easy thing but being the true risk takers we are, we told the guys they could try…for a year, to see if they could succeed.

The world of entertainment is one of the toughest industries to work in so my husband and I set some stipulations before we took on the new adventure.  First off, we were in control, they had to listen to us, even when they thought we were being tough.  Secondly, we rented a house for our family away from the apartments most families stay at when in LA for pilot season.  We wanted our family to have a break from the industry.  In our mind, it was a job when you auditioned and worked.  Not who you are as a person.  The competitive nature of the auditioning was a by product we wanted to stay away from.  Last but not least, if our kids did well and made any money, they had to tithe as we call it, or another way to look at it, give back.  They had to find a charity they loved and give 10% of what they made to that charity.  With giving away your required percentages to taxes, the unions, agents and managers tithing meant you had even less money in your pocket.  But for our family it is a given, God gets the first fruits and something very important, our kids had a vested interest in helping others.

Joe and I believed and still do, that when you are involved in helping others or giving back, that you become aware of what is important in life.  When someone has a brain tumor, working on a set seems pretty trivial.  When someone has no family or a single mom and they are not eating everyday, then seeing a Kraft truck with unlimited food doesn’t seem like a necessity.  We wanted the kids to realize acting is a job and that is what you do, how you treat everyone you meet, is who you are.

A few months ago I was reading about Billy Ray Cyrus and how he is blaming Disney for Miley’s craziness.  Jameson worked on Hannah Montana.  You can see him being the big college student throwing up after Jackson serves bad hamburger.  I was with him on set and I have to tell you Miley is very talented.  Both her and her dad are really talented actors.  She is also beautiful and everyone that worked there was very kind.  As I listen to Billy Ray, I get a little frustrated.  He is acting like a stage dad who hasn’t taken responsibility for being a dad first and four most.  On the other hand, I was on set and I can tell you having a kid with a job like Miley’s would never be an easy thing.  It takes a strong parent or set of parents and like anything else, it takes your time.

That day we were on set was very exciting.  Jameson had done some things already  and was blessed but this was the first sitcom and let me tell you, we were pumped.  He had his own dressing room, and was greeted on set by the AD and PAs.  AD is Assistant Director and PA is Production Assistant.  Everyone was really nice.  Jameson and I try very hard to be out of the way when he is working.  First off he is a pretty shy guy when he first gets into new situations.  Most people find that very funny.  Even though he can lip sync to thousands at a Dodger’s game, he is really shy when meeting people for the fist time and as a kid, he was even scared.  Today, he still hates to “bother” anyone by calling out of the blue! But get him working and oh boy….

So I am sitting up in the empty audience seats watching.  I am there on set but not in the dressing room.  Miley and the kids were very polite and nice but they had a ton of work to do.  School, work, School, work.  It was a pretty busy job.  Billy Ray was also working and going back and forth from his star wagon.  He also is pretty busy.  The one thing I noticed was that everyone was really laid back and cool.  The week we were on set, was a blessing and Jameson had a great time.

So how could Disney be the problem?  How could Billy Ray not do his duty like so many people think?  As a parent who has been on set, I think there is a little bit of both.  Parenting is a full-time job….always.  I don’t  know about you but I am in my kids face all the time.   I ask how are you?  What is going on?  When the guys are on set, I am even more around, not getting in the way or annoying just there, like a beacon of strength.  I tease them all the time, that I will kick their butt if they get out of control, that we, Joe and I, will be at their doorstep if they choose to take paths not healthy.  Not that our kids don’t party or have fun.  Kids are kids and I am just glad they didn’t grow up in the 70’s!  But we also tell them things that Billy Ray is talking about.

Agents and Managers make money off your children’s success.  They only make money if your kid gets a job.  So first and foremost we always remind our kids that they need to take  advice not just from the person who makes money off them, but from the people who love them and have no vested interest. Joe, myself, their grandparents, aunts,  uncles, and friends who love them for who they are as a person, not as a success.  We continually support the notion that those of us who truly care for their well being are the ones to bounce things off.  Most people will say that celebrities change when they become famous.  What we find is that not all of the successful people change, that most actually start to slip away from aquaintences and old friends because of this principle.  Many great actors have a small group of people they stay close with because they know these people love them for who they are, and want nothing in return.

Since starting this blog, Billy Ray came out and softened his views on Disney.  Being a parent is so hard.  Being married is hard.  I am sure that the added pressures of being successful make that all the more difficult.

When I speak to young actors, I always try to steer them away from the goal of being a star.  Celebrity is a funny thing here in America and throughout the world.  Just because someone is successful, we follow their every move.  People are people and to be honest the more that I meet the amazing actors, politicians and successful people in my travels the ones I am most admire are the ones who give back.  The ones who are so busy, yet they take their holiday to build an orphanage in Haiti.  Or the ones that mc a gala to save a non-profit money.  Like my girlfriend Mindy Sterling.  You know Mindy if you have ever seen the Austin Powers movies.  She was Frau, Dr. Evil’s love interest.  She would yell, BRING IN THE GUARDS. Kids know her as the teacher on ICarly.  Mindy is running for the Los Angeles Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Man and Woman of the Year program.  A ten week program to try and raise money for the society, Mindy is working hard to raise money to help the LLS fund research for cancer patient.  Now that is a celebrity to me.  She gives back to the world without anything in return.

For all of my aspiring actors, directors, producers, artists and so on….remember that.  If you are blessed with success then give back.  Or you will find yourself lost in this world.

Have a great Santa Club Day,

Kelly

To support Mindy and the LLS, please go to;

https://los.dojiggy.com/pledge/index.cfm?585F220809626270670F0D7F731304452459440F7C7E78070474

The past week has been amazing.  Not always good, mind you, but still amazing.  Our family all went up to Parma, Ohio to be together as we said goodbye to Grandma Bertie.  Loss is hard even if the person you love is old and lived a great life.  We still miss them and life without them is a new chapter.  Especially if it is your mother or father and you were close.  Even if you were not loved by good parents, it is still hard.  Ask my daughter Alena.  She will tell you, loss is loss and for all of us it brings change.

Change is often a crazy thing.  Change of address, change of a job, change of a situation.  Some of the time the change is good.  In a loss it is most likely not a great thing.  So what do you do when loss and change comes your way ?  Count your blessings….

On the plane coming home I realized just how blessed I am.  Even with the tragedies life has sent my way, the blessings are greater.  I don’t know about you but I see the world through rose colored glasses.  I always have and I pray I always will.  Not that I haven’t had some muddy glasses on every once and a while.  I lose hope like others, I just don’t let myself dwell there for too long.  I also read stories about others who have come before me.  People that get through tough times or loss with grace.  I believe that those who have come before have much to teach.

Mother Theresa,  and Dr. Martin Luther King are people that most of us know.  But then there are other more obscure people we may never heard of Dietrich Bonhoeffer is just such a man.

Some of you may have heard of him.  I consider myself a geek and love to read and write, but I haven’t heard of him until recently.  He was an amazing German Pastor who was executed at the Flossenburg Concentration Camp for being part of the German resistance.  And for helping others.

Eric Metaxas wrote a great book about Bonhoeffer.  It is called Bonhoeffer, Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy.  It is not a fluff book for the mom who wants a quick read.  It is however an amazing look into a life of a man dealing with great change in his world.  Living in Nazi Germany with such turmoil, was no easy thing.  I pray I could be so strong in my convictions as Dietrich Bonhoeffer was.

Bonhoeffer spent a year in America and was greatly touched by a pastor named, Dr. Adam Clayton Powell Sr.  He was the preacher at Abyssinian Baptist Church in Harlem.  After spending time there and around America, Dietrich had to decide if he was going back to Germany or stay in America.  Knowing how difficult it was in Germany, he had a big choice to make.  Later on he would say explicitly: that he had been “grasped” by God; that God was leading him, and sometimes where he preferred not to go. (Chapter 5 in Bonhoeffer, Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas)

I love that quote.  Truly love it.  Here was a man who knew that where he was going it would not be easy, yet he believed God had his path already in plan.  I am sure he “felt” that where he should go was back to Germany.  That feeling was God’s direction. Can you imagine what he was going through.  I am sure he prayed, and really weighed every decision greatly.  Change was coming and he knew it.  He could only guess how hard it would be, but he was not deterred as he believed God had a plan. Now if I could be that convicted….

So off the plane I went and with our new world order of no Grandma Bertie here for us to love, I thought OK, God you got me.  I may not like this change in our lives but if Dietrich Bonhoeffer can face Nazi Germany, then I can face my life with all the crazy changes that may come.  I am so very blessed.

Kelly

What a wonderful ending to 2010.  We had an amazing Christmas season and feel blessed to welcome all the new members of The Santa Club.  So many of you have gotten in touch with us about how the story of The Santa Club has impacted your family.  Each and every one of your stories is very special, thank you for sharing.  We are honored that The Santa Club is the answer you all were looking for.

One of the amazing stories we were told is so marvelous, I would like to share it with you.  It is a story about Faith.  A grandmother in the UK who was sent The Santa Club told of how this book gave her faith.  She said that she had been struggling with her faith and after reading the book she was given “her faith back”.  We all realize that something magical is going on with this book.  But her admission that the book helped restore her faith was truly a gift.  Faith is something that our family lives by every day and we believe that it is one of the most important aspects of being human.

Faith is defined by dictionary.com as confidence or trust in a person or thing, or a belief that is not based on proof.  It is also defined as Faith in God and his promises, which is the Faith that the Grandmother had lost until this past Christmas and our family lives by every day.  Even those of us with great faith can have it waiver.  We all go thru it.  We can lose faith in ourselves, or each other.  We can lose faith in God.  The terrible scene in Tucson is a perfect example of a time when our faith is tested but yet redeemed.

Jared Loughner is a very disturbed, mentally ill human being.  His actions are one of those things in life that tests our faith.  Some may even lose their faith. Hearing the evil acts this young man did tests our faith in humanity, in people and in God.  Many question why.  Why would anyone do this?  Why would someone inflict so much evil on another or others?  Why would God allow this?  Mental illness is something that those of us who are healthy cannot explain, or even rationalize.  As I hear all the news people, the politicians, and others rationalizing why this man did this, I cringe.  For us to rationalize at something we cannot fathom is futile.  There is evil in this world and as much as we wish to stop all evil, it is something that cannot always be stopped.  Evil things happen here on this earth.  Just as I cannot begin to know the mind of a truly mentally ill person, I cannot know why evil happens here.  My faith tells me that God has a plan and bigger things are going on than what we see.  That just as the story of Santa Claus has much more going on than the fat guy in a red suit, hard times have much more going on behind the scenes as well.  What I do is let go of the questions I cannot answer.  I let go of things like why did he do it, and why did this happen.  I let go but I cling to one thing…..

I hold on to God.  Pretty simple but my faith is just that.  I am no different than anyone else.  We all question our faith or we wouldn’t be human.  Knowing I am human and cannot begin to know some things or understand them, I pray.  I pray for strength and then I look for the amazing stories that I know will come from the evil and unexplained.

Like the story of Dorwin Stoddard who thru saving his wife he perished. His story of sacrifice and love is amazing as well as the life he lived every day.  And Mary Reed who protecting her daughter was shot three times and is recovering.  A mom who during what must have been some horrendous moments thought of her family and daughter first.  Not to mention the story of the nine year old Christina Taylor Green. Here is a little girl who could be a member of The Santa Club. At nine she is at the right age to ask, Is Santa Real and had told her mom she wanted to help those less fortunate.  She is one life that makes you ask why.  Why her and why so young? Even in her young age she touched so many lives and that is an amazing story we need to remember.   There are many other stories of that day in Tucson and even though this unspeakable evil is still fresh, I promise more amazing stories will come.  It doesn’t change the pain that we all or they feel, nor will it take it away.  But Faith is fighting thru the pain and the unfathomable to realize what is beyond.

The grandmother in the UK said she lost her faith, but reading the book, brought it back.  I can only imagine why the book was the catalyst to bring it back.  I believe that the simple story of a baby, who becomes an amazing man that changes history and continues to change the world 2 thousand years later is the reason.  Whether you believe in Jesus as the son of God or not, his story changes lives.  It redeems our faith that there is more to life than unspeakable evils.  It is Faith personified.  His sacrifice is what redeems our faith. Just as the stories of sacrifice in Tucson bring us hope. Their actions redeem our faith in the good.

We thank you for an amazing 2010.  We are praying for the community of Tucson and for the victims.  We pray that 2011 becomes the year you always wished for.  That even thru the tough times we all endure your faith is restored by some wonderful act of giving.  We pray that the spirit of Santa is with you all year.

May God Keep You and Bless You,

Kelly, Joe, and all of us at The Santa Club

Merry Christmas Everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus!  WHoo HOO  From Everyone at The Santa Club